Surf and Suds
3/27/2006 10:49:11 AM by Doug Kelly
You’ll never lay eyes on a more prolific pickup bar in the world. Babes in bikinis, babes in thongs, babes in … boyland. And the dudes with the oiled bodies, bulging triceps, biceps and other ceps I can’t even name make this place a veritable Muscle Beach Party. Where in the hell is Annette Funicello?
It’s the famed Tiki Bar at Holiday Isle in Islamorada with which I speak a Florida Keys landmark for those into libations and liberties. This Tiki Bar rocks hard, whipping up year-long images of Spring Break, Curve City and T & A heaven. Amid the din of flat stomachs slither horny old men with dark sunglasses to hide eyes ogling (below the shoulder line, to be sure) at all those billowy bodies – it’s a wonder they haven’t throw me out of the place.
Sprinkle in the titillating elements of sunshine, ocean beaches and enough Rum Runners to intoxicate the NFL, and we got us a hookup convoy, good buddy.
And so it goes at waterfront saloons where young people strut their stuff, and the stuff is hidden behind fabric so diminutive it could double as dental floss. But if the prospect of admiring the firmest fleshes this side of your favorite non-family publication offends you, then take thee to a nunnery. And at the nunnery, hide this article under the mattress, because we’re about to take a tour of the hottest, coolest, baddest and raddist waterfront drinking holes going.
Spinnakers
I start this decadent tale of drink fests in Panama City Beach, if for no other reason it’s where I became officially smashed for the first time in my life. It’s not a particularly fond memory, because while my buddies were scoring like Shaq at a dunking contest I took up residence in a bathroom stall to expunge the massive infusion of liver pollution.
But I since made up for that egregious error many times at Spinnakers, a virtual lush mall with 20 bars in one giant club. It’s a congregation of beach concerts, bikini contests, people dancing in the surf, and essentially dazed drunks lasering bourbon-glazed eyes at
lovely women and making total fools of themselves. Oh yeah, my kind of place. Be there at Spring Break and you stand a good chance of getting your frightening countenance filmed among the crowd scenes as MTV records the action for those into vicarious vestiges of raunch. Admission is free and every day brings another scintillating bikini contest. Hey, whoever said that “once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all” couldn’t have been referring to the busty stage shows of college girls at Spinnakers.
Nikki Beach
We switch from Spinnakers – a toe-curling fortress of decadence – to a completely different display of the ageless acts of flirting and flaunting. Nikki Beach, which occupies the southernmost tip of oh-so-posh South Beach, is so upscale that even GQ-types regard this place as a clinic in style.
Glide through the crowd of gorgeous people from all parts of the globe and absorb the surreal beauty and hedonistic lifestyle. We’re talking here of sipping champagne at noon under palm trees, swaying hammocks and a unique alcove of tee-pees. Walk slowly and you just might sneak a peak inside the draped doorway of a tee-pee, where anything might be happening on the exotic bamboo beds.
Bodies and temperatures both rise at sunsets, with a DJ-hosted party featuring interactive entertainers, dancers and special events. Nikki Beach is where St. Tropez meets SOBE, and if you’re even remotely hip, this is the place to be. It’s a soiree of nightlife impresarios, six-foot models, playboys, jet setters and those who at least wish they were cool. Melt into the open-air atmosphere, retro ‘80s music and gourmet foods, and feel those holes in your soul disappear.
Pearl
This is the perfect complement to Nikki Beach for two reasons: it’s the main room just above Nikki Beach Club, and the fur-lined curtains and neon glows keep you locked into the chic mood. The motif is the creation of French designer Stephane Dupoux, which means Pearl marches to its own unique drumbeat. Even staff uniforms reflecting styles from the Middle East, India, Paris and London. And, if you’ve ever wondered what it might be like to swizzle your favorite cocktail in an eerie yet romantic electronica setting reminiscent of “2001: A Space Odyssey,” you’ve been beamed up by Scotty.
While
dinner is divine at Pearl, this beachfront’s specialty is champagne. The seashell-shaped champagne bar attracts celebrities like Naomi Campbell, Sting and Enrique Iglesias. More than a few corporate titans will likely be present as well, if not as recognizable. True, it’s gonna set you back 12 bucks a glass for champagne, but the open-air, ocean-view veranda serves up such a sensuously romantic South Beach interlude that your favorite guy or girl cannot be anything but highly impressed (pun intended). Besides,
if you’re worried about the price of drinks, you shouldn’t have walked in here to begin with.
Just getting into Pearl is no small accomplishment. The guest list is full, and the lines long to sample the chilled champagnes and caviar hors d’oeuvres can be daunting. But it’s worth the trouble. And if you want something solid to complement the onslaught of high-octane fluids, executive chef Brian Molly tames any stomach growls with a truly yummy brunch on Sunday – twice voted the best brunch in South Florida by the New York Times.
Ocean Deck Beach Club
Want to hang out with the hard bodies and still bring the family? This delightful hangout on Daytona Beach has been around 40 years, presenting a Caribbean-style atmosphere. No shirt, no shoes, no problem, mon.
Here’s the ideal place to swill a margarita while watching all the volleyball action played by the young and restless. Check out the daily drink specials on frozen margaritas and the house specialty – the Tide – to keep costs under the stratosphere. It’s soothing indeed to knock down a few cold ones and stroll the famed beach before coming back for more. But don’t pass out because at sundown things get wild with the nightly Reggae beach parties.
The name Ocean Deck Beach Club says it all, with three decks overlooking the turquoise waters of the Atlantic Ocean. Between the two are cool scenes of vehicles trolling up and down the hard-packed sand and nearer the surf loads of hour-glass figures (and more than a few fish-bowl figures) strutting their stuff. People-watchers will especially appreciate being here not only Spring Break but also Bike Week (featuring tattoos and Harley-clad bikers galore), Race Week for the Daytona 500 (oh my, such a marvelous mixture of NASCAR-types and cosmopolitan beach-goers), and even the eclectic Turkey Rod Run (whatever the hell that is).
WaterWorks
What was the name of that movie with John Travolta and Debra Winger riding the mechanical bull? Darn good thing they didn’t film it here, because this is the bar with the meanest mechanical bull you’ll ever
see. WaterWorks in Quincy, Mass., dares you to conquer the bull, and a few stiff ones beforehand seems to assuage the nerves and deadens the pain of falling. Practice throughout the week, but come to compete or watch on Thursday nights.
Fridays feature a Go-Go Dancer Contest, and that means plenty of jiggling body parts and gyrating hips – something that doesn’t make too many people mad to observe. It’s also a dance contest, and qualifiers go on to dance before 2,000 screaming people on Sundays.
Ladies about to get married will revel in the Rewind Saturdays activities, including bachelorette parties with celebrations of last nights of freedom that attract lecherous and greedy lovers of all ages. Private parties include an all-male revue, which will certainly get the ladies’ blood-pressures roaring.
On Sunday, come to WaterWorks and be part of the biggest beach party in New England. Music, dancing in the sand, volleyball and no dearth of alcoholic beverages make this a truly memorable beachfront saloon.
Donovans Reef
Movie buffs might guess that this beach bar – one of the few on the New Jersey shoreline – was named after the picture starring John Wayne about a former sailor who owns a bar on a South Pacific island. Well, they’d be right. The main attraction is the Tree House bar, which showcases lively music and a nice view of the breaking waves.
While you can eat, drink, swim and watch or play the volleyball at lots of beachfront saloons, this one has a special ambience that even ol’ Duke would appreciate. Lots of established and new bands do their thing here each night as well as all-day beach concerts on Saturdays. It might be a solo guitarist, someone on a tasty flute, a blues band or hard rock, with some surprisingly good vocalists among the din.
If you like twitching your feet to a local band, knocking down drinks with your friends or significant other/s, or just having some quality alone time to mull the essence of your life, Donovan’s Reef is your kind of place.
There you have it, my double-fisted-drinking fans. I could go on and on, but those favorites will more than keep you going for the coming spring. And, if you should see me at one of those wondrous suds fests, my friend, just don’t step on my knuckles.
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quicksplash BEST WATERING HOLES Point your bow or hood to any of these bombastic drinkeries and wash away your worries.
Spinnakers
Nikki Beach
Pearl
Ocean Deck Beach Club
WaterWorks
Donovan’s Reef
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